Images: Showcase/HBO

Welcome back Westeronians and Dothraki alike! Let’s have a look at the week that was in the Seven Kingdoms. Remember this review is dark and full of spoilers so make sure you’ve finished watching before you start reading!

GoT S07E02 Stormborn

Remember back in season three when we were all like ‘this season is so slooooow when does all the good stuff start happening?” And then we were all punished for our insolence with the Red Wedding? Yeah, I don’t think this is going to be that kind of a season.

It’s only episode two and already so much is happening – let’s get straight down to it!

We open on a storm. Like, a literal thunder-and-lightning storm. We’re at Dragonstone giving our favourite Mother of Dragons a visit and she is watching the weather with a bored expression. We are reminded that ‘Stormborn’ is one of her 56 titles.

She is in the war room with her usual counsellors including Varys (hey I love that guy), Tyrion, Greyworm and Missandei. In the centre of the room is a big ole map of Westeros with chess-like pieces on the board indicating where everyone’s armies are, putting the game in Game of Thrones.

Daenerys really wants to hit Kings Landing guns (and dragons) blazing but Tyrion thinks that’s a no go. After all, she wants to be Queen of the Seven Kingdoms, not Queen of the ashes.

What she really needs is some new friends. Varys tries to explain to Daenerys that everyone in the seven kingdoms is totally excited to have her back and Dany is having none of it. After all, it was Varys that hired the assassins to kill her for like, three seasons?

But Varys hits back with possibly my favourite moment of the entire episode. He explains that he only serves the people of Westeros, and he won’t blindly follow a leader just because they are the King or Queen. What a legend.

Dany seems cool with it but also promises to burn him alive if he betrays her, so your guess is as good as mine whether Varys survives the season.

THIS WITCH. Remember that foul Red Priestess who told Stannis to burn his daughter at the stake? She has rocked up at Dragonstone. And I’m screaming at my laptop ‘NO DANY DON’T TRUST HER SHE IS EVIL SHE KILLS LITTLE GIRLS’ but home girl can’t hear me. She just welcomes her? into? the castle? Like she is a good? person?

The Red Bitch is here because that prophecy concerning the ‘Prince who was promised’ (you know, that prophecy that is barely mentioned every season about some Prince who will save Westeros and bring about the dawn or something?) could be about a prince or princess! Well burn me in dragon fire and call me Margery – isn’t that convenient?

Ahh, Winterfell. I still get all gooey on the inside every time I see a Stark safely ruling over the Northern Kingdom. And there’s Jon and Sansa watching carefully over everything. The kids are alright.

Tyrion has sent an owl, I mean a raven, to request Jon Snow’s presence at Dragonstone to make friends with Daenerys. Politics is all about play dates, people. Sansa and the Potato Knight think it’s a bad idea. But as usual Jon doesn’t seem to want to listen to anyone’s advice. Jon, you wild.

Here is your weekly reminder that Cersei is Queen and everything has gone to the dogs in King’s Landing. She has called together a bunch of nobles to try and convince them to help her defeat her many, many, many enemies. Honestly I recognise like, two of the men in this room, and one of them is Jaime. It’s slim pickings for Cersei – probably because she blew up half the court last season. You’ve made your bed, Cersei. Now die in it.

We cut to the Citadel and get our first good glimpse of Jorah the Explorer for the first time this season. Greyscale is kinda gross, guys. His entire left arm and half of his torso are covered in the disease, and the Maester prescribes exile to fix what ails him. He has one day left before he will be shipped out to Valeria to live out the rest of his life as a stoneman. Alternatively, he can kill himself. Poor Jorah can’t catch a break.

Back in King’s Landing Cersei is consulting with her Royal Necromancer to figure out a way to deal with those pesky dragons. The answer? A giant goddamn crossbow.

Really? Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate that blacksmiths have been labouring day and night to make it. But surely something like this existed before now? It doesn’t seem particularly ground breaking but Cersei is smirking in a way that tells you she has bigger plans so I guess she is impressed.

For the love of the old gods and the new, Daenerys, just take the Iron Throne already! The Greyjoys, Lady Olena and Ellaria Sand have joined the Mother of Dragons in her war room and are asking the questions we the audience wish we could ask: Why haven’t you taken the iron throne yet? When are you taking the iron throne? Why is the iron throne still not yours? And so on.

She has one fleet, three armies, and three dragons. Hordor could have done the math by now (except he is dead AND I WILL NEVER BE OKAY WITH IT).

Dany reiterates that she doesn’t want to be Queen of the Ashes and reveals their master plan. The Tyrell, Dorne and Greyjoy armies will lay siege to King’s Landing while the Unsullied and Dothraki take Casterly Rock aka Pride Rock aka the home of the Lannisters.

I get chills – this plan is good. It’s so good, there’s no way it will ever happen. Because this is Game of Thrones, and nothing good ever happens.

Does anyone else get sassy Julie Andrews vibes from Lady Olena? She is kind of like Mary Poppins if Mary Poppins was forty years older and drank red wine. She warns Daenerys to not be too timid about all the killing that needs to be done. After all half the cast won’t have jobs next season anyway.

We get our first shot of boobs for the season when Missandei and Greyworm finally decide to get-it-on on camera. So I guess good things do happen sometimes. Though honestly it’s a little late in the game at this stage. I mean, it’s half way through episode two – how is this the first time we see boobs? We are reminded that Greyworm has no ding-a-ling but they are able to make love anyway, and may that be a lesson to all you guys out there.

Back in the Citadel Jorah-the-Heartbreak-Kid-Mormont is writing a final love letter to Dany (Never. Gonna. Happen) when Samwell interrupts with a proposal to cure his greyscale. Well, it’s less of a cure, and more of a ‘let’s peel all your skin off and see what happens’ situation. It looks 100% gross and just proves how brave Samwell is because there is no way in seven hells I would have been able to stomach it.

Does anyone remember Hotpie? No? Well, Hotpie is a baker and he has made a pie for Arya who is hanging out in a Tavern somewhere. Hotpie fills in Arya on all the hot goss that’s been going down in the North while she’s been busy killing Freys, including that Jon is now back at Winterfell. Arya immediately sets out back the way she came and headed north.

All the Starks are coming home and I can’t stop crying with joy.

Meanwhile Jon is holding court again. He has received Samwell’s message about the dragonglass at Dragonstone, and he lets the other Lords know he will be heading south to visit the Mother of Dragons. Oh, and he is taking Potato Knight.

Sansa once again disagrees. And once again that means nothing because two seconds later Jon is riding south for Dragonstone. But before he leaves he gets a few swings in at Littlefinger, that slime ball. Hit him again Jon – HIT HIM AGAIN.

That leaves Sansa in charge. Littlefinger looks way too pleased about it all.

Remember how every Stark was given a Dire Wolf to take care of? Well, most of them have been killed off by now. Except Ghost and… Nymeria! Arya’s wolf has returned to say hello to her Stark owner and it looks like she is Queen of the wolves. Nymeria rejects Arya’s offer to travel back to Winterfell with her, and Arya appears to understand. Is this symbolic of how Arya too can never be ‘tamed’ and needs to go and do her own thing? Who cares – I’m just glad that big ole CGI doggo is okay.

The Greyjoys are transporting Ellaria Sand and the Sandsnakes back to Dorne when Uncle Euron drops in for a visit. And by drops in I mean sets the Greyjoy fleet on fire and invades their ships, killing everyone in sight. That’s family for ya.

Yara squares off against her beloved uncle and loses, ultimately ending up being held at knife point by Euron. Theon sees this, and it triggers a PTSD-like reaction in him after the way he was treated by Ramsey. Needless to say, Theon jumps ship – and I don’t blame him. People were getting their tongues ripped out – you’re on your own, Yara!

Two sandsnakes are also killed in the attack. The Greyjoy fleet is destroyed. The plan to lay siege to King’s Landing is in ruins. I told you nothing good ever happens in Westeros. Oh, what’s a mother of dragons to do?